Context Post

My life is kind of insanely busy right now. So much so that I can't even bring myself to write about it because I'm so amped in that not that great way where I can't really calm down enough to focus on what I'm saying. I'm all over the place.

But, I'll try to make sentences enough to note a few news events for when I look back at this time. Remember this is the news filtered through my understanding. There has been no (or very little) fact checking, and sometimes just make up shit to fill in the blanks in my understanding.

On January 12th there was a really big earthquake in Haiti. 7.0 on that scale they use for earthquakes. Lots of people died, and were trapped and the news footage was heart wrenching. "Texting" money to aid agencies gained a lot of publicity. I don't know if it's been done before, but this is the first time that I and so many others were aware of it. You could donate $10 to the Red Cross or other agencies from your phone. It got a big response from folks. Which is great. Because, as I know from the PSA Paul and I did--Cash is Best.

In politics, the lawsuit challenging Prop 8 (eliminating marriage for same sex couples)--began in San Francisco. I cannot be nearly as eloquent in my current state as I would like to be about this subject, but it's happening now, and John August witnesses the proceedings here.

In entertainment, Conan O'Brien and the Tonight Show is the big news. See, NBC decided to try this thing where they gave Jay Leno, who used to do the Tonight Show, a talk show every week night at 10pm, replacing of prime-time shows, that had to employ writers, actors, thus making it cheaper to produce for NBC. However, the ratings were not great, and even worse, the affiliates began to lose money after prime time and got pissed. So NBC decided to call the Leno experiment a wash, and give him back his old time slot at 11:35, bumping the "Tonight Show" an hour later. Conan O'Brien, who inherited the Tonight Show when Leno left feels this time slot undermines the integrity of what the Tonight Show has always been. So he's going to leave.People in the younger demographic--our friends and housemate included--are up in arms about this, to the point of having rallies on his behal. Conan makes lots of jokes about the whole situation on the show, and everyone is enjoying the furor.

Those are the big things...Little things...here in L.A. it's raining, and yesterday there was even a tornado warning, which in all my time here, I have never experienced.

At our house we have had a back-to-back chain of house guests for months, which has been intermittently cool and stressful. The last batch is moving tomorrow and I'm looking forward to writing in my office again by the end of this week. We also have a new roommate, which I think will be good, and hope will be at least neutral, but honestly I can't get really get a bead on it, perhaps because of all the guests. A roommate was going to alleviate some financial strain on the household, but unfortunately, as soon as our landlord realized, he raised our rent substantially, which decreased the benefit by more than half. I didn't realize the husband hadn't told the landlord in advance until after the roommate had already moved in, which has me somewhat pissed, especially as the husband continues to be singularly unapologetic about the whole thing, feeling that his decision to just do it without negotiating upfront was somehow justified by the cultural context of the situation, and that my opinion that it should have been handled in a more straightforward way is indicative of a kind of arrogance, possibly born of my midwestern upbringing. Although I don't miss the extreme slowness of the midwest--when I go back, I am flabbergasted by how long it can take for someone to count out some damn stamps at the post office--or the the preponderance of republican worldview, I do occasionally really miss the directness that one occasionally finds there. Does his make me overly rigid? I don't know.

I know I should just be happy I'm not in Haiti. But then, everything is context specific, and the fact is, that since I'm not in Haiti, I find plenty of things to be anxious about in my own context...and that's the news for today.

First Day, Spring 2010

Today, by the way, is my first day back at school. And, as often, I am feeling unprepared (thus my keying in on the the word "preparation") physically, mentally, and perhaps most of all, emotionally. I have a class this morning that I don't quite trust. If it's not immediately fabulous, I plan to go to another section that meets might afterwards. If that one seems better, then I should attend an alternate section of a class I have on Tuesdays, that meets on Monday nights, in case I need to optimize my schedule... so potentially nine hours of class today. I don't know if my entire way of handling things is good strategizing, or if it's really a lot of indecision and wheel spinning. Although I have had some grand spelunking classes here at spelunking school, I've also had some less grand ones... enough that I don't feel I can rely on the spelunking administration--as well meaning and hard-working as I truly think they are--to be an advocate for my very best education. They just have too many pressures from too many places, and truthfully, they aren't in the classrooms.

I was talking to a friend the other day, who was expressing a kind of mortified admiration for my willingness to rock the boat in terms of rule-bending. This is one of the things I learned during my cancer experience. The function of the hospital is to tend to sick people, but the functioning of the hospital, of the entire medical community really, is to keep functioning. It's not illogical, if they keep functioning, they can keep offering help to sick people. But don't be confused that this functioning is about making any single individual well. The resources are often there to do that, which is great--but the advocacy is something the individual has to bring to the table herself. Family or friends can fill this roll as well--but it has to be someone who cares more about the state of that individual than about the community as a whole. If handled correctly though, this is not a needs of the many vs. needs of the one situation though. In cases like this, I don't believe that stretching the boundaries of a bureaucracy is to the detriment of other users-in this case, hospital patients. Rather I think it sets precedents within the bureaucracy allowing it to stretch its boundaries to help other individuals as needed, and at the same time models self-advocacy behavior to others. People who see themselves as individuals rather than statistics, and who realize that they don't have to adhere to every rule, are in a better position to survive and thrive (according to some stuff I've read, not just my own opinion.).

And now I have to leave in 20 minutes and I'm still in my pajamas. See what I mean about lack of preparation?

New Years Intentions Post #3

And, I think, my first of three words: Preparation

The specific intention I have been thinking of is getting all our ducks in a row-presentation wise. Paul does not have a website yet--and much as I try to let him run his own life and career, this makes me almost insane. So many job postings and just people that you meet ask "is there a link to your reel somewhere?" I know that if I were ever going to take a chance on someone new, I would, at worst, be very tempted to discount someone who couldn't even manage to post some short films on a blog with his name on it, and at best, could be very compelled by a clear presentation of where a person was coming from, artistically and technically, and of course, some examples of his work.

That being said, the time is fast approaching for me to put my money where my mouth is. I need to have some kind of web introduction myself. Am undecided about whether or not it might link to this blog, but the thought is there, particularly as it would give me an impetus to find a new visual format. I feel like a website for a writer of long form media is a little more difficult, but I would at least like to have a list of my work with synopses, and then folks coudl request samples.

Which leads to part two of "Preparation, the intention," which is that, by spring ideally, or at least this year, I'd like to have more polished versions of everything I've ever worked on, essentially, so that when someone asks for it, I don't have to say "I just need to....can I send it then?" And truthfully, I don't even keep a good list of people I promised to send things to "after the next draft." It's awful.

"Preparation, the word as a life direction," is even bigger. It has to do with things like the above--not having any defined location to keep contacts who have asked to see my work, to daily things, like not having clean clothes that fit to wear in the morning, or food to pack for lunch, not knowing where my water bottle is to get me through a 12-hour day at school, and not having read either of the scripts I have to give notes on in two days....oh, can you tell that this is today?

New Years Intentions Post #2

Go to bed earlier.

The ideal would be 11pm I think. That would translate to a wake-up time of about 6:30 am, which would be really cool.

However, it's 1:25 a.m. and we just got home and I'm doing my staring-at-the-computer-screen-decompression thing. And, you know, writing a little blog post here. I'm a little sweaty and smoky from sweaty bars and smokey sidewalks, so maybe I should take a bath. I think we're lookin' at about 2 a.m. once again.

Still, I'm going to keep affirming on this one, for at least a good portion of the year. The process of affirmations is (I am told) this:

You begin an affirmation, say, for example, "I am going to consistently go to bed by 11pm."

At first you only remember after failing to enact: "Shit, I was going to go to bed early."

Then you notice during the process: "Damn, I want to go to bed earlier than two, but I'm still blogging at 1:30 a.m. and I can't seem to stop." But then you start to notice mid-process and change your behavior. "It's midnight, but that's an improvement. I'll go to bed now." And then, one day, you do go to bed at 11 p.m.. It feels pretty good, so you do it again. You do that a few times, then relapse but realize you feel like crap in the morning, and think how good you feel with enough sleep so you jump back on the pre-midnight wagon, and after awhile...you've created a new habit.

Three Words...

Interrupting my my series of posts on New Years intentions (yes it will be a series I believe), yet in the vein of the new year-new page spirit in which I am writing them, I'd like to say I'm happy to see my friend Rosie back in blogging action with an excellent post wherein she chooses three words to inform her upcoming year. We often do things like this in my writing program at school. "Describe your character in one word." "Tell your story in one sentence." At first (okay always) these are frustrating requests. It feels like you are being asked to summarize your profound opus into a sound bite. But after a while you realize it's not about that, it's about understanding what is at the core of your creation, if you scrape all the other layers away, what is the most important element that remains. The more you struggle to articulate, the closer you can come to knowing what the thing is that motivates and enlivens the creation. And knowing that actually brings a certain kind of freedom, because a lot of stuff becomes expendable or mutable--or, to bring Buddhism into it as I like to do, you become less attached to things--and then you can be a bit more objective perhaps. If I understand that a scene is about reconciliation, then I perhaps change the locations or the people or the time...I now know I can do any of that as long as it is about reconciliation.

Not that that is easy... At least half the time all I know is that it takes place on a subway. I write the whole thing, and still don't know, and then finally I figure out what it's about and I realize that if it's about reconciliation between two specific characters, it would be better expressed on top of a building.

So, if our live are our creations, and I think to a large extent they are, that struggle for three words seems worthwhile. I'm going to be thinking about it as I complete my list of intentions.

New Years Intentions Post #1

Volunteer

It's not that I didn't do things for my community last year: I was part of a human wave because a friend had organized a huge environmental awareness event for 350.org. Another friend did a charity show for the Downtown Women’s shelter, I went twice. Friends directed documentaries about Darfur, and modern architecture, and I bought tickets and attended. And some other stuff. And what I learned is this: My friends are really passionate about enacting change in the world, and I’m interested in making my friends like me.

So this year, if just to prove that I can be socially conscious all by myself, I decided to add one activity beyond going to plays, films, readings and other escapist activities that I gravitate toward. Something grittier, like working in a soup kitchen, or delivering meals. I looked at a “volunteer in L.A.” website, and saw “Reading to Kids,” an organization that deploys an army of people to go into a dozen L.A. schools to read to kids. I immediately recognized this as an opportunity to share my love of escapism with others! Also, some of you may not know that my earliest career aspiration was to be a librarian, because I imagined myself leading the the Children’s Story hour they had at our local library. I re-examined my lackluster ambition to deliver meals, and had to admit that it didn't have the same appeal. I figured everyone’s food would get cold as I drove around lost in South L.A. anyway (I went to meet friends last night, used my GPS , and STILL got on the freeway going the wrong direction). This was better, it would resolve some core childhood need, I'd be less likely to get lost, and I'd get to read a new book, something I like to do anyway. I signed up as a reader.*

The structure seems like it will be a story hour. We read a specified book to out group of kids, (the book is then donated to the school’s library) and then facilitate making a craft that is related to the book.

I’m also happy because it seems a sustainable activity for me as it is only one Saturday a month, which will allow for all the Saturday First Pitch meetings we have at school this semester.My first session is this Saturday.

I do have a couple of small trepidations. One is that given options from a drop down menu of grade levels, I chose third grade, because I have vague recollections of Mrs. Decker reading my class “How to Eat Fried Worms” and “Old Yeller,” and that was always the highlight of my school day. But then, that might have been second grade. I actually have no concept of what that age is like. I’m more familiar with the six and under set, as my neice and nephew are four and six, so I have more recently interacted with their age group.

Second, I have to arrive at the school for a training session at 8:45. A.M. My friends with jobs are scoffing right now, but this is sadly a real issue. For instance, I am right now still in pajamas writing this post at 9:30 in the morning. It’s not that unreasonable for someone who regularly goes to sleep at 2 A.M.

Which brings me to another new year’s intention:

Go to bed earlier.

*Because my treatment of this choice is rather tongue-in-cheek, I should say on a serious note that I do strongly believe that literacy, and beyond that, love of literature, is important, not just for getting jobs so you can eat, although that’s certainly a good reason, but because it builds empathy for different people and cultures, and to my mind, that’s step one of almost everything we try to negotiate in the world, like climate change, civil rights, and peace treaties.

The Spirit is Willing, for a limited time only!

I just read another article about how willpower exists in finite quantities. So if you have have to expend a lot of willpower to complete a task, there is less willpower to resist the next temptation. People who have to watch a boring video and are then assigned a boring task are less likely to complete the task than others who did not have to watch a boring video. If you don't eat any of the cute pastries at the conference, it's harder to resist stopping at the donut shop on the way home.

I still owe a post on New Year's resolutions, but for the moment will just mention that I have some goals, and as today was the Monday after the holiday, it seemed time to implement. Thus I returned to the gym this morning. And since Paul is still sniffly, he stayed home, so I couldn't ride his wave, it was all my will, and will it was, because every cell in my body was resisting.

Afterwards, I hit the grocery store, bought carrots, kale, cabbage and beets. I came home, washed, chopped, juiced and drank them.

I emptied the stinky tofu and old coleslaw from the fridge, and tried to put them down the garbage disposal, which was ill-fated. Our garbage disposal does not like small grated items.

By the time I had disconnected the u-pipe under the sink and releases the vomitous tofu cabbage water into a bucket, it was over. My will to do un-fun things was entirely depleted.

Pity, since I needed to proof and mend my first draft to turn in today.

It just wasn't happening. I couldn't make myself do it.

(I should say that I also consider the deadline to be "soft." It's officially today, but only one of nine people expects it, and that person I know from Twitter is drained and exhausted from travel so unlikely to read until tomorrow anyway.)

So, I went and looked at Indian comic books at the museum, took a nap, watched some Iron Chef, and only then had my willpower retrenched. I began in earnest at 8pm what ideally would have been done by then. And needless to say, my launch of the new 11pm bedtime for the semester has not yet been entirely successful.

I'm halfway through, so tomorrow I'll start with the writing. When it's done, I'll see if there's anything left for the gym.