Because of course I'd remember that

Signed onto my USC user account today for the first time so I could register for orientation. Here were the instructions for choosing a password:

You must now select a secure password for your account. When you choose a password, keep in mind that it should be something you can easily remember but others would be unlikely to guess.

All passwords must conform to the following rules:

* Passwords must be 7 or 8 characters long.

* Each password must contain at least one uppercase letter, at least one lowercase letter, and at least one character that is a number or a special character (e.g. !@^&*()-+).

* A password may not be a word in any language, a combination of words, or a word preceded or followed by a digit or special character.

I know I should be terrified about identity theft, but really, I'm worried about identity loss...The day my computer tanks and I lose my cheat sheet of 6000 slightly different and non-sensical passwords, I'm screwed. (Attention any enterprising computer/identity thieves, the document is password protected with a 35 digit code comprised of only vowels and foreign accent marks, so don't even try it.)

Hmmm...now what can I easily remember that doesn't resemble a word or combination of words, has "special symbols" and one capital letter.

I know!

2Btiou$

Oh, shit, that's actually a word in Klingon.

I'll keep working on it.

Dug in Deep

Thesis countdown, 11 days.

I'm dug in deep to the piece I'm working on...my essay's a mess, but the topic is fascinating to me. It has to do with the meaning and the additional connotation that are carried by the word "survivor." How there is a sense not just that a survivor happens to survive, but that perhaps he or she has some innate qualities which contribute to that survival...
I've found that a number of books have been written on the subject...The Survival Personality, Al Siebert, Survival Psychology by John Leach and Deep Survival, by Laurence Gonzales...

And of course, since it's a cancer thesis, everything leads back to cancer...In the essay I explore the pros and cons of applying survivor "submeaning" ie. that there is a "survivor personality" to cancer...i.e. Lance Armstrong's statement "not a cancer victim, but a cancer survivor, hell bent on living strong." And of course I discovered there is a whole different discussion about "cancer survivor" in the cancer community...So I've also been plowing through a number of articles in medical journals and trying to research cancer survivors.

Last night I set the writing aside and picked up Lance Armstrong's memoir, It's Not About the Bike. He wrote it really soon after his cancer...only three years, I guess when you're a celebrity you have to strike while the iron's hot. Occasionally he'd say something and I wondered what his take would be now, I don't know if I mean past the cancer, or just life years. We're about the same age--he would have been 28 or 29 when he wrote the book and I guess I could feel that a little bit,...but still it well written (he had a co-writer)and interesting...riveting actually, I read in all in one sitting, which means I finished at about 3AM. And it made me interested in biking, which I have never paid much attention too.

I've been panicking over this essay all weekend because it's way overdue but just talked to my thesis advisor, and it turns out she's on a deadline too and actually won't be able to read until tomorrow afternoon...so with all that time bought, I'm going to go pick up another book reference I've been waiting on interlibrary loan...and maybe I'll go wild and hit the gym. woo hoo!

California Gets it Right!

Thanks to my friend and fellow blogger V, who posted this article to her blog: State Supreme Court says same-sex couples have right to marry

This is news that makes me happy and even a little proud (as if I had anything to do with it) that I will soon once again be calling myself a Californian!

It is also news I would not have know about for another week, as in the throes of thesis woes I have completely quit following world events except for reading Newsweek. I just found out about the aid debacle in Burma yesterday when the magazine arrived in my mailbox. In these final weeks of my thesis I don't even click on any links on the MSN homepage. Part of me feels guilty about being such a non-participant in world events, but the other part of me can't help but notice it makes very little difference to anyone in Burma or the Obama campaign if I don't have the up-to-the-minute scoop. The biggest difference is just that I look dumb and uninformed which is a) arguably just an ego thing anyway; and b) kind of irrelevant since I can't go out or talk to anyone until I've finished this $%*&*$* thesis anyway.

Another item that arrived in my mailbox (can you tell how media deplete my life is right now), is the latest don't-you-want-to-renew-your-subscription-? letter from Poets and Writers. On the outside of the envelope it says, in a pretty calligraphic font, "My head says give up...but my heart says no..."

It literally made me laugh out loud as I thought...wow, am I really the target audience for this, the unrecognized writer who perseveres in the face of rejection to submit to every publication and contest provided to her in Poets and Writers?

And then I thought, oh...maybe that's the publisher talking about how his/her heart says no, they won't give up on me yet, they'll send just one more reminder letter.

Either way, it makes me cringe a little.

Back to the grind...

But way to go Cali with that respecting human rights thing!

Be Here Now

Saturday, I woke in the early morning hours. It suddenly came crashing upon me that I have three weeks to finish my entire thesis, and although I'm hoping ot use some of my recent research for other things, I've essentially spent the LAST three weeks on ONE ESSAY that still isn't finished.

I also contemplated news that the writing program at USC where I was hoping to apply for a lectureship cannot accept my application if I am in the screenwriting department, moreover, the director wrote, they believe they already have enough people for fall and won't be hiring extras in any case. Which means that the gender studies position is currently the only egg in my basket for funding/insurance. I would have chosen it over a writing lectureship, so I will be ecstatic if it comes through, but they have 22 applicants for 4 positions, and if it doesn't work out, I will need to decide whether to try to go to USC anyway (more loans!) or start looking for other employment...

When I finally drifted off I had a variation of dreams I have had in the past, where somehow I end up in the back seat of a car that starts rolling, and I can't reach the brakes. Sometimes I try to reach the steering wheel and steer as the car rolls faster. In this dream I could see the car and house dead ahead at the bottom of the hill, and was trying to decide whether I could dive over the seat and try to hit the brake with my hand before the car reached the bottom, or if in attempting to do that at a fast rolling speed I would break my neck and so I should just brace and let the crash bring me to a stop. I decided on the latter and woke up on impact, with pounding heart and a huge surge of adrenalyn coursing through my body.

I googled my dream and found other questions regarding similar on answers.com. Here was the top explanation:

Cars signify our means of moving forward in life. Our ideas, and goals and how we achieve them. The fact that you are in the back seat shows that you feel certain events in your life are out of your control right now. Ask yourself why you have taken the 'back seat' in your own life, and who is driving if anybody.

An Uncertain Life

Life plans

Paul and I are house sitting May 20-June 10.

My new thesis defense date might be June 12.

We are moving to Los Angeles at the end of June unless we need more time and decide to go in mid-July.

I'll start school in August unless I don't find any funding in which case I may have to find something else to do entirely.

My parents might visit in May.

Our friend Eric may visit at any moment or never.

I am definitely going to Maine to see my friend Barbara before we move, before or after my defense and before or after my parents visit.

And this just in...My 103 thousand frequent-flyer miles on Qantas will expire on June 30.

So I (we?) MIGHT BE GOING TO AUSTRALIA in July/August????

If you are in Australia and have thoughts about when a good time to come see YOU might be...let us know!

Bats, Heroes, Survivors

What's been going on around here?

Well, friends/film school alums Safia and Melanie came in from L.A. and Atlanta respectively to work on Max's thesis film for a few days. His film has been comprised of entirely night shoots so the days here have been quiet because everyone gets home and dives into bed (or couch or roll out mattress) just as I am getting up. Mostly I work in my little room, but each time I emerge to forage for food or supply of some sort, I pass through the rest of the house, all the shades drawn, sleeping forms strewn about...kind of like really large bats.

I HAVE been writing each day, though it feels less than productive because I've gotten sucked into one of those big whirling spirals of research that I may never use. I'm working on what started out as both a short and a light essay on how we use the word "survivor" in relationship to cancer, but all the things I'm reading could either deepen it, send it in new directions, or complete fuck it up. I feel like I can't decide until I have it all in notes, so the actual page count on the essay I'm supposed to be writing has not increased at all for several days, and that's a little panic inducing.

I've been suppressing the panic though, each evening when the bats fly out to their night shoot, because I've found a borrowed DVD set of Heroes Season One on top of our TV. Fortunately, such things seldom appear in our house because I exhibit little ability to indulge in moderation. I have watched all 23 episodes in 4 days, ranging from Friday, when I treated myself after 7 hours of editing by watching, quite reasonably, the double premiere episode, to Sunday, when I watched a less reasonable 8 episodes, finishing at 3AM and waking the next morning jittery and hung-over feeling.

But last night I watched the season finale and the bats flew back to their respective homes, and now it's just me and the survivors, duking it out.

Things I Did Today

Went to the gym before it closes for the break.

Spent about seven hours proof-reading Paul's lastest contest entry...a 90 page screenplay...

Sucked it up and told Claire in the first year writing office to give away my summer teaching slot if she could.

Decided that I'm going to put a $300 dollar check and signed commitment form in the mail on Monday...to the Screenwriting program at USC.

Check me out...making decisions.

Also heard some gossip today that I won't spread around on this blog, I'll just say: politics suck...and this is my other theory: People aren't bad, they're just ethically lazy, and then they get scared people will realize that, and then out of some perverse sense of self preservation they do things that bad people might do.

Everyday She Writes the Book

Not me...everyday I suffer and moan slowly and excruciatingly eeking out three more pages for the thesis. When I can't take it anymore I distract myself by thinking of hypothetical futures. I google things like "USC Screenwriting," to see if someone out there is going to say something that will rock my world and reveal what I should do with my life. Sometimes I google "USC TA positions"...as if someone might be having a public chat about my application and where it falls in the pile. It's all stuff and nonsense...every book about living in the present would agree. Have I mentioned the pulsating ball of anxiety that fills my chest cavity sporadically throughout the day when I start thinking too far ahead?

Sometimes instead of googling, I slide up and down my overburdened bookmarks bar to find this blog by a woman in Utah that I don't know. I don't even know how I found the blog the first time, but I remembered the name and went back a second time, and then I bookmarked it. She's a mom with a few kids, and seems to be a Mormon. These are things we don't have in common. But we are about the same age, and basically, I think she's hilarious, and today I decided that instead of looking her up every few weeks, I would just add her to my reader. And I thought I would share her with you, just to see what you think.

The Votes are In

And apparently we got the second largest amount of votes! Woot!
That, combined with the judges 60%--which ranked "Empty" in first place, we have

A First Place Winner!

We never could have done this without the support and votes of friends, family and total strangers who know our family and friends...Our gratitude abounds!

There are a couple of news stories today from the newswire,
CIDI Announces 2008 PSAid Contest Winners and in USA Today, Students craft disaster-relief messages

Once again--we'll be saying it a lot...

Last Chance to Dance

Voting ends at midnight this evening. This to be followed shortly when time allows with some contemplation on the act of 'selling' as it has evolved with the internet, and my ambivalent feelings about certain aspects of it.

But for now...gargantuan thanks to V, Mya and Kelly...who posted not just the first, but second eloquently worded please on our behalf.

We are currently 100 view behind the third most viewed spot...Paul's mathematical model (of course he made one) tells us that we need to be third in the public voting to be considered for first in the overall...so if you are reading this, and you have not voted...NOW is the time! (All your email addresses baby!)
(And if you voted and have not yet confirmed from your email--you need to for it to count!)

www.PSAid.org
View PSAs
"Empty" by Paul Seetachitt is My Favorite!

My Heroes!

We're up to 245 votes...with special thanks to folks who have told their classes about the contest and to fellow bloggers Kelly, Katie and Mya who have spread the word via their excellent blogs.

Four more days to go!

And in other news...I have to turn in an example of "analytical, expository writing" for a TA job at USC, and have come to the horrifying conclusion that the few papers I wrote in that style (and it was very few) are not very good. So once again, I am abandoning my thesis to pursue something completely unrelated--in this case trying to drum up a "real" thesis statement about Lady Audley and her secret!

And, I don't know folks...it's seeming like, in my old age, I might finally be going to film school!

Decisions decisions

This morning I looked up all the required courses for the first screenwriting semester and then pretended that was my daily schedule to see how it felt. It didn't quite work since two of them are not in the course schedule yet...but after that first wave of anxiety, I think it feels okay. A class in production basics--taught on video, would bring me up to date. A class on directing actors for film...that would be very cool... Some writing classes. I will say this...each course is NOT something I really know already, and yet it seems as if all the knowledge I do have touches on it. I wouldn't say that my whole life has been in preparation for an opportunity like this, but if one was going to prepare for such an opportunity, my life wouldn't be bad.

Still have to make sure I can pay for it, and am still feeling torn away from the other program...but I might be coming closer to a decision.

Crafty

So I figured out how our competition has 90 links. They have one friend with a blog, and he just listed 40 links in a row! I don't even know why that helps, except that it looks so intimidating. This internet is a funny place. I'm going to add some links too...ha!


link link link link link link link link link link link

Wow..my hand hurts.

More Great Friends

Special thanks today to

Becky who hosted a voting party on Facebook!

And to V, who posted us to her excellent blog!

We now have 1231 hits to our site and 30 links...Yea us!!

The entry from Savannah School of Art & Design has 3644 hits and 90 links.

So it's still an uphill battle.

Since we don't seem to have gone viral yet, I decided to do an old-school campaign today, and took flyers to Landis Green and the library...

"Empty"

So far the "Empty" video has garnered 90 votes and about 800 hits. This is worrisome, as the competition looks like they have roughly twice the number of hits that we do...close to 2000 now. Part of this is that they had a larger team of people working on their shoot who are not related to each other, so they have more diverse networks than we do.

Part of it may simply be an age difference...only a few years divides us from a generation who REALLY use texting, and facebook and instant messaging etc. Not only are we down by a third on that count, but I talked to someone today who voted but never got a confirmation email. After talking to her, I realized she had never encountered the "prove I'm a person" security code before and hadn't known to fill in the box, so her vote had not been entered. I fear a number of our older friends and family may fall into this category.

So...normally I would not beg, but for 12 THOUSAND dollars (minus 10% for the composer, and gratuities for the crew etc) I think I can make an exception.

If you read this blog and you have a blog...PLEASE consider posting a link to www.PSAid.org with a recommendation to vote for "Empty."

If you teach a class (especially in a computer classroom!) PLEASE consider a short mini-lesson on international disaster relief, and ask your students to vote!

If you have a softball team, a bookclub, a friend or family member...you get the picture.

We really appreciate it!

SPECIAL THANKS TO:
Katie, who posted a link on her facebook. and
Mya, who emailed 70 friends.

Time to Vote (again...)

Two Great Causes in One!

With one minute of your time you can:

1) Help professional relief organizations better aid victims of international disasters.
2) Help Paul and B win this contest and pay for their move back to Cali....

Paul has directed (with writing and voiceover help from B) a 30-second Public Service announcement that has been chosen as a finalist in a contest sponsored by the Center for International Disaster Information.

Three winning films will win cash prizes, and the first place film may be broadcast nationally.

We need your vote!

Public voting is a full 40% of the final score—that's HUGE, so your vote matters!

Please vote by going to www.PSAid.org. Choose "View PSAs" and click to watch Paul's PSA, "Empty." There will be a button to "Vote for This Video." That's the one to push!

You'll be asked for your email address, and they'll send you a link to confirm your vote. Pretty quick and easy.

One last thing, if you have friends or family amenable to this type of thing, PLEASE SPREAD THE WORD. It would be great if as many folks as possible saw the PSA. (And if they voted for it that would be cool too.)

Voting ends April 18.

a million thanks!

1)Rejection / 2)Acception

1) I thought this one was kind of sweet...it is my first experience receiving a tiered form rejection. I do find it encouraging.

Dear Writer,
Thanks (handwritten)
Thank you for giving AGNI the opportunity to read your work. we found the writing lively and interesting and enjoyed reading it. After careful consideration, we've decided that this manuscript isn't right for us, but plean consider sending other work in the future. This is not our customary rejection slip.

Kind Regards, The Editors
Jim(maybe Jim, I'm not sure, handwritten)

2) I got an acceptance letter from USC for the screen-writing program today. I am happy, because it always feels better to be accepted than rejected, but it adds an element of anxiety, because I was actually pretty happy with the other program...Now I have some tough decisions to make.

What do we think of this rejection?

Dear Barrington,

Thank you for submitting to the santa clara review. After much consideration, we regret to inform you that your short story, "Photograph of Four Woman," will not be included in this upcoming issue. Inundated with incredible stories, poems, and art, we are forced to select only a handful of pieces. We encourage you to submit again to the santa clara review and admire the courage and the dedication to creativity that it requires to submit your work to us.

Sincerely,

The Editor Whose Name I'm Omitting.
I usually try to refrain from making fun of my rejections, because I actually feel do sorry for the people who have to write them. But just because I'm in that kind of mood...what do we think of the last little bit about "admiring the courage and dedication it requires?" Isn't it a little like looking at little Jimmy's fucked up drawing of a fire-engine and saying, "I really admire the passion and dedication it takes to use that much red crayon!"

What else? Have I mentioned I'm getting old? Tonight I was lying on the couch, procrastinating on my thesis. I raised my arm, and bent it over my head. My eyes idly wandered to the soft white skin on the inside of my elbow and I noticed with horror that it's getting crepey! Not really loose, but enough to be terrifying...It's the beginning of the end. Well, the actual beginning of the end was a few months ago when I notice the tiny pull of lizard gobble between the underside of my chin and my neck. If you see me in person, don't look too closely.

It's unfair that I got skin the thickness of tissue paper, and Paul got eskimo skin so thick you can't even pinch it between two finger. But at least I got the superior mutant power. I just haven't discovered it yet.

Our PSA

Check it out here!
Each year in the wake of international disasters, well meaning people gather items like cans and clothes to send to the disaster site. Hundreds of cans collected for people who might not have can openers. Clothes are donated that might or might not be appropriate for the culture or the weather. Inappropriate donations end up competing for transport and storage with supplies that really are needed. And people donate to organizations that might not have the necessary direct relationship with a local agency capable of distribution. Thus the Center for International Disaster Information encourages the public to research before giving, and to understand that, in general "Cash is Best." It runs an annual contest, inviting students to submit a 30-second a public service announcement to effectively convey their message.

If you have a minute to do the log in (sorry!)we'd love to have your ratings and comments! And save that log-in info, because I bet you'll need it to vote for us if we make it to the semifinals! Unlike the Coke vote, this one will have a pretty big impact--20% of the final score, so I'll keep you updated.

Oh--and by "we" I mean Paul, who came up with the concept and spent a long night shooting and editing it. But I wrote most of the dialogue, and if he wins, I'm in for 5%! Also, for novelty, listen for my voice-over talents among the crowd!

You Have: No Mail of Importance

I go through phases in my life where even though I am ostensibly living my life, largely doing things I want to do, working toward my stated goals as much as I know how to in my everyday actions, I still feel as if something else should happen. I check my mailbox, my email, waiting. I remember feeling this way for a specific period of time back when I lived in Chicago--this was before I had an email account--and I would addictively call and check my voicemail from work several times a day. Of course, then as now, the inbox, mailbox, voicemail is generally empty, the thrill of those messages that do arrive passes quickly, and the waiting resumes. What, what, am I waiting for?

I did get one rather exciting (for me) email last weekend, which was the announcement of a T.A. position in the Gender Studies department at USC. My first thought was that unless the job consisted solely of handing out scan-tron sheets in a lecture hall, I would be completely unqualified, but then, as I looked into it, I saw a lot of similarities between the classes I would T.A. for and ones I have taught at FSU, and the more I researched the field of gender studies, the more I think it would be a fun and interesting job, that I would probably like even better than teaching comp classes, because it looks like I would be responsible for more discussions and less grading of papers.

Thesis progress update:

March 27-31: None.
I was driving to Sarasota and visiting my parents--it's just impossible, for reasons it's hard to explain. However, did listen to The Reluctant Fundamentalist, and Far From the Madding Crowd, so I'm a little less startlingly under-read than I was. What's up with Far from the Madding Crowd though? There was nothing at all in that book that even mentioned a madding crowd, although it does seem to take place in the country--but since there is no mention of a city, or even a crowd, it seems thematically random as a title. I always thought it would be a story about people who lived near madding crowds and either escaped them or dreamed of doing so. Of course, I never have looked up "madding" either, assuming it was an abbreviated version of "maddening." For all I know it could be a proper name--"you know that Madding crowd," but there was no-one name Madding in the book either. I'll have to ask Steve K.

April 1: Virtually none.
I got distracted by a PSA (Public Service Advertisement) that Paul had to turn in, and even though he didn't ask, I wrote the copy for it. I'll post the link when it goes up--another contest. If he wins, I'm in for 5% which would make me feel really productive.

April 2: None.
I spent the entire morning and most of the evening working on my Gender Studies cover letter, though I did do library research on the topic in the afternoon, and read books of the topic in the late evening, which is necessary, but not writing.

I GOT FOOLED

I opened my my google account this morning and found this new "upgrade," which sent me into a flurry of righteous indignation...I wrote a post, then started to rant to Paul, who pointed out, correctly, that this was April Fools Day. In the spirit of honesty--I'm leaving my post here...fool on me! I'm very happy it isn't true...



"Need to lie to your co-workers or loved ones to get out of hot water? We can help!" "Time Machine" makes it sound like they are changing reality, but they aren't, they are simply making it possible to lie about it (but only 10 times a year...which is weird all by itself). And if you are in a position where you would go to the trouble to predate your email, it is more than likely you are going to have to back up your dishonesty verbally. "No, I sent it! About...six hours ago! Check your inbox!"

Gone is my faith in the paper trail when working on a project. I must now suspect my co-workers or vendors of subterfuge--believe me, I've worked for bosses who would pressure me into pre-dating a project proposal or overdue budget. Emails used as evidence in legal proceedings must now be called into question. Says the murder suspect: "Me, a motive? Sure we had a fight, but I got over it. I sent her a message telling her no hard feelings two days before she was killed...did you check her inbox?"

Postage rates

I've just heard that postage rates will go up again on May 12, from 41 to 42 cents. Most of my submissions to literary journal require a self-addressed, stamped envelope (SASE) for them to send me my rejection letter. I have of late been affixing all my old 37 and 39 cent stamps, with the addition of the appropriate number of 2 cent stamps. It occurs to me now, that with the 3-6 month turn-around that many of these journals have, by the time they send me my SASE, it will be 1 cent short. I'm now switching to "Forever" stamps.