Monday, April 26, 2010

Insecurity Is My Friendly Shadow

Second guessing at every turn.
I guess it's that time of year.
I guess it's that time of life.
I guess it's just me, doing that thing I do.
Doo doo doo wop de doo.

I think I have this vision of my life now, what I would like to be. Maybe.
Exactly half of the time I want it to be an authentic life, that's not about writing. I want it to be about going to the beach, and noticing things, and enjoying art, and social activism.
The other half the time I want to be writing.

But which of those halves brings in the money to support the other half? Which of them is a half-time job?

I now have two internships for the summer, at TV shows. This semester I've had one class with a TV emphasis, and in the course of that time, I've gotten high on the idea of TV--thinking, "yeah, that could be the thing for me." And then tumbling off that high. "I can't do this, and I don't really want to."

So what to do? Take the internships because they could be different from what I think and the world is full of endless surprises? Go with my gut, that production work is seldom full of surprises. Use the money I have left to stay home and write write write while I still can? Get a job, so I can have that warm secure feeling of having money and the social status of being employed?

I can barely order off a menu at restaurant, I can't imagine the taste of food in my mouth until it's there. And even then, I can't predict how it will make me feel afterwards. How can I pick a direction for my life?

Even as I write this however, it helps make things more clear.

I'll get back to you.

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