Processing

Paul and I have discussed it, and come to the conclusion that with the fast-approaching birthday, we're going to stop our fertility related activities...not ALL of them, but the extracurricular ones. The monthly blood tests and ultrasounds, weekly acupuncture appointments and ceramic pots of Chinese herb teas. To be honest, we've only been doing a half-assed job in recent months anyhow. And I guess by we, I mean me, since I'm the one who needs to make the appointments, get to the appointments, eat the right things, make the right things, drink the right things at the right times.

And I'm feeling, it's just too hard, and too expensive, and I did this once, with the diet and the meditation and the positive thinking, and it was good, but it was a full time job, and I had the time and the money and what else was I going to do in the middle of the Australian Outback anyway, and even with all of that, it was still hard. This time around, I just don't have it in me, I don't have the sense of hope in me that I had then, and I feel like I'm already trying to do something impossible with the whole writing, working in LA thing. I felt alone in my project the first time around, and I feel doubly so now, surrounded by all this aspiration and lifestyle. And impossible things take so much more commitment that impossible things, you can't really pick two. Picking two just means you get torn apart and fail at both. At least that's how I feel right now.

So I told my wonderful but not really affordable acupuncturist that we were giving up, and end up crying, and crying for forty minutes on the table in the darkened room, and crying as I got dressed. And then I went and bought shoes. And now I'm crying while I write this, crying and writing this using the time that of course has been set aside for other things, like my thesis script

But soon it will feel better, I hope, and I'll be back to enjoying my life, which I do, very much, and maybe I won't feel like such a failure on so many counts, and I'll quit blaming myself for never liking baby dolls or Barbies and thus sending the wrong message into the universe at a young age. Soon it will feel like the right kind of acceptance and everything will be easier. Maybe.