Tuesday, February 02, 2010

That time of year again

In my more zen moments I always think I can, through self-awareness avoid the ones like these: sick and stressed and extremely insecure about my abilities to achieve the goals I set for myself.

I love that conversation in Joe Vs. the Volcano where Joe's boss is talking on the phone, saying "I know he can get the job, but can he do the job?....I'm not arguing that with you, I know he can get the job. But can he do the job?"

Right now there is an internship that I would like. I've revamped my resume (i.e. cut it down by two pages and tried to emphasize admin). But I haven't called. Why not? What's the worst that can happen, they'll say no? No, i'm more worried they'll say yes, and where will I find the time to give them. On an energetic, healthy day, no problem. On days like today, when I wake up sore, with gummy eyes and a desire to cry, the idea of sacrificing a day of writing time and still making my deadlines seems overwhelming.

I try to remember when being sick was just being sick. You just went on with your life, except sick. It's not like that now. Waking up sick is like waking up with a bowling ball of anxiety in my heart. And I know I probably say this every time I blog when I'm sick, it's a cancer survivor thing, blah blah. If I get sick twice in three months, I think my cancer is coming back. If it takes longer than a week to recover, same thing. I start imagining in the back of my mind about how I will handle various obligations when I get the diagnosis. I buy the insurance on my classes every term. I'm making a production book for script list so that if I ever had to hand it off, everything would be there. And at some level, I think that's why I'll put off the call about the internship--because a cold=undiagnosed cancer, and I'm just going to have to quit, and I hate quitting? Wow, that's all pretty messed up.

Oh, and on a completely different note. I still really want a Kindle. The want has not subsided. I'm thinking of ordering one now.

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