Sunday, May 11, 2008

Be Here Now

Saturday, I woke in the early morning hours. It suddenly came crashing upon me that I have three weeks to finish my entire thesis, and although I'm hoping ot use some of my recent research for other things, I've essentially spent the LAST three weeks on ONE ESSAY that still isn't finished.

I also contemplated news that the writing program at USC where I was hoping to apply for a lectureship cannot accept my application if I am in the screenwriting department, moreover, the director wrote, they believe they already have enough people for fall and won't be hiring extras in any case. Which means that the gender studies position is currently the only egg in my basket for funding/insurance. I would have chosen it over a writing lectureship, so I will be ecstatic if it comes through, but they have 22 applicants for 4 positions, and if it doesn't work out, I will need to decide whether to try to go to USC anyway (more loans!) or start looking for other employment...

When I finally drifted off I had a variation of dreams I have had in the past, where somehow I end up in the back seat of a car that starts rolling, and I can't reach the brakes. Sometimes I try to reach the steering wheel and steer as the car rolls faster. In this dream I could see the car and house dead ahead at the bottom of the hill, and was trying to decide whether I could dive over the seat and try to hit the brake with my hand before the car reached the bottom, or if in attempting to do that at a fast rolling speed I would break my neck and so I should just brace and let the crash bring me to a stop. I decided on the latter and woke up on impact, with pounding heart and a huge surge of adrenalyn coursing through my body.

I googled my dream and found other questions regarding similar on Here was the top explanation:

Cars signify our means of moving forward in life. Our ideas, and goals and how we achieve them. The fact that you are in the back seat shows that you feel certain events in your life are out of your control right now. Ask yourself why you have taken the 'back seat' in your own life, and who is driving if anybody.

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